47 Hours Later…

Written by Treasha Chave

Dear Diary,

Forty seven hours of labor and finally on March 2nd at 2:58 pm I gave birth. I remember that feeling when I looked into her eyes. A new life dedicated to making her life as peaceful and balanced as possible began.  I knew that my life would change, but I didn’t realize how much. Honestly how crazy it might sound, giving birth was the easy part. The hard part was coming home and becoming adjusted to juggling motherhood, school, business, work, my brand, and everything else. The 24 hours started to run out so fast each day. I started to constantly question did I forget something, or did I do this and that right? Unfortunately, the norm of choosing what things could allow to go undone became a new custom in my house. For example, I would choose to sit and pump instead of laundry, cleaning up or cooking. Going back to work was extremely hard for me. I had to force myself to be ok with leaving her. I cried in my car after dropping her off. I felt like I was failing her. I needed to hold her down in all aspects and financial was one of them.

In the midst of everything I didn’t realize that postpartum depression was present. It crept in silently and hit me like a ton of bricks when I least expected it. A lot of times I would nurse my baby, lay her next to her father, and go in the bathroom and cry. My emotions were everywhere, and I stopped caring about myself. I felt alone and the only thing I could do was muster up the strength to take care of her. Everything else and everyone no longer became a priority. My relationship with my partner became drastically affected as well.  I unconsciously pushed him away, because I didn’t have the tools to communicate with him that mentally and emotionally, I was struggling. After a couple of months, I reached out to someone and started therapy.  Today I’m better, but not 100%. I still cry quite often and at times I question am I good mother? The answer is I am. I might not be perfect, but every day I do my best. I do whatever I can to make sure my daughter has what she needs.  As I am writing this there are a few loads of clothes that needs to be washed, and I forgot to do something today (mommy brain), but my daughter is healthy, happy, and full of energy. My baby is officially 9 months and she is still breastfed and exclusively on a plant-based diet. That’s all that matters at the end of the day.

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