Written by Saudia Chin
I have a problem with doubting myself. I tell myself I can’t do something before I’ve even began to do it. Ugh! It’s the hardest thing for me to get past. I also tend to get into these moods where I feel sorry for myself. I turn on sad music and I repeat these terrible affirmations about how much my life sucks, how tired I am, and my favorite is, “I don’t know how much longer I can do this!” Woe is me! I’m a Cancer so I can’t help it. That feeling will last a day or two or sometimes even three! Yes, I’ve cried for three days straight. What girl hasn’t?! Once I get past those “woe is me” feelings, I start to think of all the things I’ve conquered and it lifts my head up. I remind myself how strong I really am. I mean, I had twins! TWINS! Not to mention, I had two toddlers when I had those twins. I’m a mother of four feral children.
My oldest daughter is fresh, sassy, and a talkative six year old. My son, who we call “Bam Bam”, is my emotional but tough three year old. We know he’s going to be a wrestler. Then comes the twins. My last two, and I mean last two, are a boy and a girl. They’re the most advantageous one year olds I know and boy do they stick together. They are a testament to that strength I was telling you about. I had a battle with postpartum depression after my twins were born. Darkest days of my life for sure. Both of the twins had lip ties and tongue ties. They cried nonstop for hours, especially my boy twin, Eli. I honestly thought there was something wrong with him. That he was dying or something. Then, I thought there was something wrong with me. I had two children before. Why couldn’t I properly take care of these two? What was I doing wrong? Why was I so sad and why am I suicidal?
It took months for me to go through that horrible time. My husband didn’t understand at first, but with him by my side, I started to see the light at the end of the tunnel. Truthfully, I didn’t think I’d make it this far with my babies. I thought I would have run away by now. Eventually I would have to manage to taking care of all four on my own. My husband is incarcerated. The day we found out he was really leaving, I cried uncontrollably. I couldn’t catch my breath. I almost fainted. I cried every time I looked at him. I had just started to feel like I was on the other side of my PPD and then “BAM!” I was hit right in the chest with hopelessness again. I remembered the day he left, I told myself over and over again in my head that I wouldn’t make it. That I wasn’t going to be able to do this; take care of four children on my own with no job, no consistent money, and no place to call our own? I’m strong, but I’m not that strong. When he was home, my husband was my saving grace. He was exceptional with the children. Hell, they like him more than they like me. I cried every day for weeks after he left. I fell into the deepest depression I had ever been in. I couldn’t get out of bed let alone take care of my children. They needed me, but I needed me too.
I spent weeks in fog. I was just existing and crying. I cried because I was lonely, but mostly because I was scared. How?! How would I get through two and half years without my other half?! My family and my husband’s family have been my physical strength. Don’t get me started on my brother-in-law Marquis. However, for mental strength, I’ve had to dig deep. I’ve honestly prayed the most I’ve ever prayed in my life. I had to snap myself out of the trance I was in, if not for my children, for myself. How could I take care of others if I wasn’t taking care of myself? One day, I made up in my mind, no more. I gave myself positive affirmations for once. “You are strong Saudia. You are beautiful. You are resilient. You are enough. You are STRONG!”
I did that every day for a month. I also asked for help. I had to remind myself that I didn’t have to go through this alone. And with those affirmations and help from those I love, I started putting my life in motion again. And look, I’ve made it seven months! I did it. I lost 15lbs of baby weight and I’ve been doing all the things that make ME happy, first! Honestly, I feel the strongest I’ve ever felt in my life. I feel like I can tackle everything. Do I want to tackle everything? No, but I can because I’m a woman! We can do it all! Yes, I still have my days when I feel lost and cry to sad music, but I make it through that darkness to light again. I acknowledge the moment, but I don’t live in that moment. I refuse to live in that moment. The way I feel about my life is just for right now. Not forever. I changed the words that came out of my mouth and the thoughts that circulated in my Moon Child head. I make the continuous and constant effort to propel myself forward! It is all by the grace of God that I am here today writing to you! For all the mother’s out there feeling like your drowning, I promise you you’ll make it through. This time will pass. You’ll smile again. You’ll sleep again. You’ll conquer everything thrown your way. You made a human, girl! You can get past your doubt and you will. If you remember anything from my story, just remember, you’re stronger than you think.