Written by Kalimah Muhammad
Four years ago, I was fresh from graduating college with no real answer as to what I wanted to accomplish next in my life. I would gaze upon the world pondering my next chapter in life, and having children was one of those things that if God permitted it to happen, I would embrace motherhood, but it wasn’t the focus of my life to come. Fast forward four years later, I am now a mother of two, married for four years and finally starting to understand my divine purpose come to fruition.
My life changed the moment I learned I was conceiving my first child; it was then that I realized I entered adulthood. I got pregnant, got married and had a baby. My journey had begun. My life before children and a husband was all about me, my physical appearance, my social life and just ultimately doing me. I have always been a spiritually grounded person, but by trying to be the heart of every situation, I lacked vision for my future. I didn’t see who I could be or would be, but I knew I wanted to help women and children. I was essentially searching for myself. If someone asked me if I think I found myself I would now say, I see who I am and now I am visualizing where I want to go.
The first chapter in my life caught me off guard and put me in a whirlwind of stress, and that was my first pregnancy. I was not prepared for what being pregnant has to offer and all the challenges I would face.
I was challenged by pregnancy in ways that I thought were just unfair. I was sick for months, weaker than I ever felt, and emotionally challenged in ways I’ve never experienced. I felt so unlike myself that often I was so depressed, and spiritually not myself. My marriage was in the beginning stages, so the sickness I experienced for at least 5 months and on and off again which was terrible, took a huge toll on our first year of marriage. Both of us were trying to connect in the beginning stages of a relationship but it felt like constant turmoil. I felt so vulnerable and helpless. I didn’t feel connected to the pregnancy and wanted it to be over. I felt overwhelmed and exhausted from weight gain and lack of energy. I went into labor and pain turned into more pain, and that turned to what I thought would be the end of me. I basically never wanted to experience that feeling again. Labor was agony. Labor was experiencing pain on levels that I had never felt. However, this pain took my mind almost out the game. I almost prayed for death. I had always heard that it was excruciating but nothing could have prepared me mentally for that pain.
My daughter is here now.
The feeling I felt when I first held my child was overwhelming. I felt like I had just used all the energy in my body to push out this little being who was half of me. I really didn’t know what to feel. She was so delicate, fragile, beautiful and just a burst of energy. I wondered for nine months what kind of mother I would be, what she would look like, and now she was finally here. My heart felt overwhelmed all over again, but now I felt the need to nurture. Luckily for me my baby girl didn’t cry a lot and was really an easy baby; in the sense of she slept well at night. She did get up to feed , but she seemed to not be as dependent on me. I questioned whether that was a good thing or a bad thing, but when she smiled at me, I knew she loved me in ways I never saw love before.
During this time, I had to look at my body and the changes that had happened to me. My stomach was completely disfigured, I had about 40lbs of extra weight on me, and to top it off I had acne all over my face, something I had never experienced before. All these things coupled with lack of sleep, slowly slipped me into postpartum depression.
Now it gets REAL.
Who am I? I Felt like the person that was fresh out of college disappeared. There were times that I cried often, set in silence, or just felt heavy agitation in my spirit. I wanted my husband to help me, romance me, or just do anything to make me feel normal again. I felt like he wasn’t attracted to me even though he never showed that he wasn’t. I never ever even wanted to show my body. My sex drive had basically disappeared, I couldn’t focus on anything to save my life, and I badly wanted to just have a day to myself. I wanted to disappear often, or to just sit in silence without any noise. I didn’t want the pressure of a husband’s expectations of me, nor did I want it from my daughter. I am an observant and analytical person, so I was always overthinking. I knew I loved myself, I just knew that I had to do something to get back to myself. I constantly had conversations with my husband which often turned into arguments. It seems like we fought over the smallest things. I felt unappreciated and so did he. We both felt like we didn’t know how to love each other properly. Our marriage was up and down almost every other month. We were not at peace in our marriage. I knew that there was a solution to every problem, so I kept asking God for the solution. Some days I would go silent and not talk to my husband, some days I tried to talk in a calm feminine nature and almost nothing seemed to work. Our problems always seemed like they were small but somehow felt like they were huge. We went to counseling a few times, and from what we could perceive. God was missing from our foundation. I remember wanting him to lead us in prayer, wanting him to take me out, or buy me gifts or plan for birthdays and take me on vacations. He has his demands and so did I.
Marriage felt like a battle, a constant compromise, an ego, sexless and lacking the motivation to grow. I seriously wanted to grow and evolve but I knew that I had so many things I wanted to accomplish myself. I needed to find balance. How was I going to balance myself? Where do I even begin? What order was I going to follow? I felt a fire in me, it was a battle on the inside that I could keep affecting the outside. My menstrual cycle even seems to be heavier when I was stressed more. This battle continued for four years. I cried a lot, I gained weight, lost weight, I disciplined myself more, I prayed and still I kept getting plagued with something.
The fire before the rebirth.
Now, my husband and I are in our fourth year of marriage and divorce was on the table. I brought it up from time to time, but now it was in our back seat ready to take over the driver’s seat. However, the closer we got to the point of divorce, the more fire I felt. It wasn’t an uncontrolled fire but one that seemed to clear a path for my thoughts. I was never one to give up on anything that I committed too so I let things be as they were. Family and friends would ask me what exactly the root cause of our problems is and why couldn’t we work it out, and I simply didn’t know one true answer to give them. I randomly started to pray to God to remove fear from my stomach and myself. I said those words. I felt so divinely calm to myself that it was almost scary. My husband and I went to counseling this one time and although I was explaining to the therapist what I needed from my husband, I felt my husband didn’t truly get the message. I felt too much frustration. I had this interesting way of touching his hand and could feel the discontent between us. My heart was aching. I came back from Miami one day and I felt the urge to ask my husband that If I was pregnant would that make a difference. We lived in a big rental house. He lived downstairs in the basement room, and I was upstairs. We were living like a separated couple in our own home. I started a furniture business to make income because I was solely a stay at home mom, and I needed to make income. I didn’t know what the future was going to bring, When I asked him about what he would do if I was pregnant. He went silent like “why is she asking me this?” We barely talked and when we did talk, we always went to battle, so I became silent. I started vomiting one day and that prompted me to take a pregnancy test. This was the day after I had asked him the pregnancy question. I was pregnant. I smiled, not because I was happy but because I knew in that moment that God was seriously testing my faith. I said to myself in that moment that my trial will become my blessing. I knew that this was going to be a huge test of my faith in GOD.
The Second Pregnancy Begins,
I am once again overwhelmed. I cried often, not from my marriage but just feeling like life is overwhelming. I went to the Mosque one day and the Minister points out a passage in the Quran. I cannot recall fully what he said but it was about a man forsaking his women in a sense and that the women just needed to connect to God. I felt a strong sense of calm in that moment. I stopped crying and started praying. I started praying hard all day and night. I started asking God and thanking God and feeling confident in who I was. I believed and knew that regardless if my husband left me or not that I would be good with or without him. It seemed like prayers started working almost instantly. The minute I gave up doubt in myself and my abilities, the wheels started to turn.
The Marriage was back on again.
I was in shock. I never wanted to experience the feelings that I had felt the last few months, so I had to tell myself what not to accept anymore. Pregnancy was still hard as ever but my husband started to love on me harder and things felt lighter. We took a couple vacations, we started working on buying a house, and communication with each other seemed more genuine and freer. I always knew that my husband was my soul mate, but I knew that if we didn’t unburden ourselves and connect to God, then eventually it would fail. The only thing that changed on my end was that I consistently talked to God. Prayer became my best friend.
I worked out during pregnancy to keep my strength because I knew that if I didn’t, my body would be overwhelmed, and I would gain a lot of weight. I sat outside in the sun and talked to my unborn child. I sat still in my thoughts more. I tried my best to push out fear. I no longer wanted my emotions to control me. I felt myself wanting to put out inspirational videos. Life seemed like it was finally feeling fuller of life.
Now my second Child is on the way. I tried my best to do better the second time around. I stretched more, I ate less meat, I prayed, and talked to my unborn child. I sat in nature more. I practiced my breathing and I filtered negativity from my thoughts. I essentially wanted to turn the wheel of my life. I refused to feel the same way again. I went into labor on my own and labored for hours. My second child wasn’t as hard during labor as my first, but once again I was depleted of energy.
Now, my second child is here, and she is so different than my first. My first daughter was a lot easier to handle, but my second child is the complete opposite in nature. I thought I had saw everything that caused me to go through postpartum the first time around, and so now my mind is once again in battle mode. My hormones are crazy again and I am bleeding for 7 weeks now. I experienced the acne and weight gain, but now I already know what to expect so I pray heavily. The days I don’t pray, I feel weighed down. My spirit is overwhelmed, and I feel like life is getting ahead of me. Oh, I forgot to mention. We bought a house, which I love, but now I have a new house, new baby, a family of four, I’m working my brother’s businesses out of my house, and life seems like it is taking over. I had to multitask like never before.. I suddenly feel the weight of everything on me and I could feel the discontent rising between me and my husband. I see that every time I mention something to him, I am breaking down crying. I suddenly realize that I’m not crying because I’m sad,but because everything I say feels so overwhelming to myself. Of course, my husband interprets it as me complaining which I explain, its just things I see we need to work on. I Can Feel the fire trying to jump back into my spirit. So, I now stop and silence my voice.
How do I evolve past my past?
I realized that God was always the key to unlocking anything in my life. I asked God to evolve my marriage, to give us wisdom and knowledge, to remove fear, to protect our home, to help us to become better servants of our people. I kept praying until I became specific in my prayers. I said to myself. Instead of telling my husband what I wanted. Why don’t I just ask God?
And now God is showing me my Divine Purpose.
I now talk to God about the thoughts that come as an agitation to my spirit. I stopped complaining, I stopped showing any attitude, I smiled from within and now whenever I want to tell my husband something, and I take it to God first. My life is now changing. It appears whenever I pray to God about it, he answers it and my husband gravitates to me in ways that I can’t even explain. I am calmer, so he is calmer. I express myself through God more and so does he. Everything I want from my husband and first myself. I go to God about. I feel like a light right now. I feel God radiating within me and I have so much to speak on. I speak on social media to release the word of God to my people. I realized more and more that part of your divine purpose is to serve. You must serve others only for the sake of serving and nothing else. It is what God intended for us. I tell women all the time to go outside and breathe, drink water, say affirmations, speak out loud to self. You must first be aware of the thoughts in your mind. We all have a lower self-trying to control us. How do you get in control of who you are?
Our whole lives as women, we want to be attractive, attract a man who will love us. We control how people look at us. We never want to be seen in a bad light. When it is time for the transition into motherhood, we literally have no clue how to love on ourselves. We have been so busy trying to love on others that we never find ourselves. It is imperative that we connect to God deeply before we marry and have children. Every illness and insecurity of our mind will come out in marriage. Every characteristic and flaw will be on display. Everything that God needs to pull out of us for us to be whole will come out. It is up to the woman to challenge herself and remove her dead weight or she will continuously go through the same trial repeatedly. The trials you will face can make you into a super woman or make you weaker than you have ever felt in your life. You will learn part of your identity from your children. You will feel this need to want to overcome all your obstacles at once, but you will realize that it just simply isn’t possible. You need to slowly work on one thing at a time and develop yourself. You will be tested through your emotions. You cannot allow your emotions to control you. Women are either using their tongue too much to spit fire out of their tongue or we are eating ourselves to death. We must control both. Our greatest trial is discipline. If you don’t grow and evolve then you are moving closer to death with no purpose. We must discipline our minds, find new pathways, intake new information, exercise, go out into nature and tap in with God, read or listen to knowledge and wisdom, learn a new hobby.
The greatest advice I could give someone is to stop being reactive to people and to pray to God for peace and balance. There is so much power in stillness of self. Everything in life involves energy, and energy has a tone or vibration to it. There is rhythm in everything, and if you sit still long enough you can feel the tone you are giving off to others and the vibrations that you are receiving. Every Act is an act of God or Satan. When you are frustrated you feel it connect to your heart or your stomach, when people yell, scream, cry, talk, make a noise. We feel something from every exchange of energy. So, the question is, do you give off the tone and vibration of God or are you causing hell in someone’s life. The measurement of that tone can be something as small as raising your voice, slamming a door, arguing, being condescending and the list goes on and on. Do you think five times before you speak and do you ask yourself, are the words that come out of my mouth the words that God would use. As women, we should be always looking to heal, love and bring balance in every minute and moment of our lives. Women are always the balance of Power in a man’s life but if the woman does not balance herself the chaos usually follows. Marriage demands that you be the best version of yourself for it to be whole. When two people both grow into themselves then they can live full lives because they no longer must demand from each other their needs. They feel full and connected to God, so peace is always there.
How do we become Happy?
We sit still in our minds. We look at our childlike self and connect to the child self we once were. How we learned, how we loved? We make God our best friend. We submit to God through every trial that comes our way, even if a child had to be taken away. We must submit to God through anything and everything. Happiness is peace not an exciting adventure. Happiness is being able to navigate life being directed from your true self. Your true self will always have vision and the things you need to be fulfilled.
Happiness is Peace