Still Trying to Figure It All Out

Written by Jazzmond Alexus

Dear Diary,

I felt so alone throughout my pregnancy. It was probably one of the most painful experiences of my life. I say I was alone because I didn’t have my child’s father. I had my family but I just couldn’t get past the hurt of him not being there for me. Carrying a child for someone you loved who didn’t want anything to do with you or their baby is heartbreaking, especially if there is history. My faith in Allah (God) was tested because my situation was so out in the open for people to judge, and what it may have looked like from the outside was nowhere near what was actually happening. That added to the pain and it was eating me up. But I knew I couldn’t fight the majority for their perception of me. I had to let Allah handle it…I put my faith in Him prayed that one day He’d shed light on my heart.

Most importantly I needed Allah more than ever because I was alone and vulnerable. I needed his guidance, I was carrying, emotions were high, and my child felt it all. I didn’t feel a connection with my son until 3 months after he was born but I always felt that he was so in love with his momma. I apologized so much to him and asked for him to be patient with me because I just couldn’t see past my hurt. I resented him a little but I kept my prayers high because that wasn’t the mom I wanted to be. I prayed to Allah every day for him to help me heal. My son is now 4 months old and I feel like I’m responsible for my child’s feelings for his dad. He doesn’t take well to his dad and I like to believe it’s because of how hurt I was during my pregnancy, he felt all that. That experience is something so much deeper than these words can express and it’s so much more to it than I can begin to explain but what I really want to express is how it’s shaped me as a woman and how much it brought me so much closer to the Creator than ever before. With his assistance, I was fashioning life and even though I didn’t have anyone physically, it doesn’t get any purer than just me, Allah, and my baby!

I’m 4 months postpartum and I’m still not completely healed from birth. I don’t think the healing process is talked about enough especially when you give birth vaginally and the toll it takes on you psychologically. The psych is harder to deal with than the physical in my opinion. Your hormones are imbalanced and you’re trying to make sense of your body changes as well as your emotional changes. There is a chemical imbalance and that alone makes me appreciate us as women and the process of bringing children into the world. At every point, your life is on the line. Before, during and after. I appreciate how women are becoming more and more conscious and aware of postpartum depression or baby blues, it helps you to feel that you’re not alone. Sometimes it may feel like it’s never-ending, and it can affect the way you connect with your baby. Its a dangerous feeling especially with a new tiny little human being who can’t control their emotions. So you’re dealing with your own, seemingly uncontrollable emotions…and theirs. On top of that, you’re in physical pain. During the first 2 months, I didn’t feel like I was actually even healing properly.

I dreaded going to the bathroom because I was in too much pain. I would try not to drink anything and I would have no appetite so I wasn’t producing milk. Because I was nursing, my son wasn’t getting enough milk so he was hungry and crying and I didn’t know why. Not to mention I’m new to breastfeeding so that was painful in itself. I had to supplement for a couple weeks until I was able to go to the bathroom without wincing. I beat myself up about giving him formula but mentally I was going through it, no one tells you that vaginal pain messes with your brain because it’s not normal to have CUTS AND TEARS AND STITCHES down there. Extremely uncomfortable especially trying to maneuver and handle your new baby. My son is 4 months old now, I’m still not completely healed but I’m able to tend to my baby the way I need to without getting so frustrated because of the pain I was in. I’m strictly breastfeeding and because of my constant prayers, I’m on my way to becoming better in every aspect of my new womanhood!

This Article Has 2 Comments
  1. Michelle says:

    PBTA for this article and this site! Postpartum period is one of the hardest periods of Motherhood! I love that the sister was open and honest about her own experience! So many of us go through this without ever sharing. PBTA for this sister. I pray that a sister reads this article and is encouraged to know that she’s not alone and eventually it does get better.

  2. Khadijah 5X says:

    What a beautiful, honest, and raw testimony. A lot of times we as women look at motherhood and child-bearing as such an amazing and positive experience, and while it is, it is so good and necessary to have honest testimony such as these to put into perspective just how big of a commitment and process all of this truly is. The difficulty doesn’t end with giving birth unfortunately, but like all struggles, there is a miraculous result if you call on Allah. Thank you for this Jazzmond. Thank you for telling your story.

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